Hesitation
by Mistress Hershey
Summary: She’s in love. He’s in denial. How it could have been. Third part now up.
1. Denial

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _My So-Called Life_, so please don't sue. I don't have any money, anyway.

_She's in love. He's in denial. How it could have been._

* * *

**Hesitation - Denial**

**By Lizka**

They work together in silence. He diagrams sentences while she corrects the spelling errors in his essay. There aren't as many as there were two months ago, and they're both proud of that. When he asks about a particular word, she gently explains. They've fallen into such a comfortable pattern that it's easy to forget that they lived in two separate worlds before tutoring.

He never really knew her before this. He knew her name and that they're in English together, but they never talked unless it was for an assignment. Mostly, she was just that weird blonde that manages to hang out with both Graff and Sharon Cherski, and dates some brainless jock that he once stuffed into a trashcan last year. The first time he and her really talked was just after Halloween, when she urged him to start going to class again. It was awkward, neither of them was comfortable. She seemed to want to say more, but couldn't.

"Prove her wrong," she said, finally. "She doesn't have to be right about you."

She turned, and walked into class. He followed her. He's still not sure why.

Things didn't magically get better, but he was trying. He improved slightly when Katimski took over. Katimiski made sure to read things aloud when possible and would stay behind to explain things to him. After New Year's, he was signed up for peer tutoring.

That's how he got to know her.

During their first session, she asked him what kind of music he listens to, and he's surprised to find that they like some of the same bands. They settled down to read _The Odyssey_, and at their next session, she handed him sheets with the lyrics of his favourite songs, the more difficult words highlighted. She had him write the words on big flashcards, and underneath, she wrote the definitions. She made him take tests out of some manual and never laughed when she saw the results. She just gave him more work.

They talk, sometimes, during the sessions. He found out that her dad's a cook, that she was forced into the tutoring program like he was, and that she has a theory about why the old English teacher quit.

"I made her quit. Me and Anne Frank."

She laughed when he asked her to explain, shook her head, gave him a sheet of words to use in sentences, and he smiled when he recognized "guitar" and "musical."

She's really helped him, he realized.

So he started to look forward to tutoring and they began to nod at each other in the halls. She didn't deserve to have his friends rag on her, so he stopped them. When her boyfriend was a jerk, he offered to beat the guy up for her, and he meant it.

She smiled, said no, but appreciated the thought.

It's interesting; to have a girl as a friend. It's even more interesting when it's a girl like her. So maybe that's why he looks out for her, why he invited her to watch his band perform, why he doesn't like that kid with the curly hair always coming to their table.

The tutoring sessions are only so long. He just wants to make the most of their time.


	2. In Love

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it. Still penniless.

_She's in love. He's in denial. How it could have been._

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**Hesitation – In Love**

**By Lizka**

She's in love, and she can't stop herself.

She tells herself that she doesn't know him; that it's impossible to know him, that she merely loves her idea of him. Since he doesn't say much, it's easy to read into him all the things that she wants him to be. She tells herself that the person she loves doesn't exist, not really. So every night she gets over him, but spirals into the same sick longing when she sees him in the morning.

It's starting to get pathetic.

Rayanne told her to just go for it, but Rayanne also told her to dye her hair bright red. She didn't dye her hair, and she didn't go for it.

Sharon told her to get over him, and fixed her up with a friend of Kyle's. They've been dating for a few months now, and, well, she likes her boyfriend, really she does, but it's not the same.

Her friends got tired of hearing about her obsession, so she stopped talking about it. Instead, she focused on teasing Sharon and Rayanne about the fact that they're friends.

Both still deny it vehemently, which amuses her.

Rickie tells her to take a chance, but Rickie's a hopeless romantic, and she doesn't want to hurt her boyfriend. Or herself.

So she tries to ignore the feel of his fingers on hers when she hands him a pen, and she's almost grateful for Brian Krakow's constant interruptions. It doesn't mean anything, she tells herself, that maybe he leans a little closer than he should, that his foot sometimes brushes hers. It's only in her imagination that he smiles differently when he's with her, and that Cynthia Hargrove looks at her with stark dislike. It's a random series of occurrences of which he has no awareness, which mean nothing to him.

For instance, she knows that he doesn't notice that sometimes, like right now, he would rest a hand in front of hers on the table, their fingertips only slightly touching. It's only half an inch of skin contact but she feels it like an electric shock. He acts like it's nothing.

She settles for being a friend, because he'll never feel the same way she does, and she tries to at least get past her idea of him. She was surprised by how quickly he catches on and how he writes songs as easily as she writes essays. He knows what an adjective is. He's smarter than most people give him credit for. He's bored with his life and doesn't know why.

She knows these things, but they're only bits and pieces, and she'll never learn the whole, but that doesn't stop her from wanting to. She's nauseated because she can't stop.

The tutoring session is over, and they start to gather their things. Somehow, they're always the last people to leave the room.

"Need a ride?" he asks as they step outside.

For a moment, she is tempted - horribly, painfully tempted to get into that car and spend the next ten minutes torturing herself. She tells him instead that her parents are coming to pick her up and that she'll see him tomorrow.

She watches him drive away, never knowing that he's watching her through his rearview mirror.


	3. Could Be

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it. Don't sue – you'll get nothing.

As always, props to **Rowing Goddess**.

_She's in love. He's in denial. How it could have been._

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**Could Be**

**By Lizka**

She looks at him over the desk as he bends over a copy of _Wuthering Heights_. His arms surround the book and his long hair brushes against the pages. It's like he's trying to absorb the book; take it into himself. There's a focus to him sometimes, when he can drown out any and all noise around him and become immersed in whatever he was doing. She's still obsessed with him; still fantasizes about him.

A lot of things could happen.

Her friends could corner her in the bathroom, and dye her hair. Rayanne could say that it was about time, Rickie could say that the red would be much more dramatic, while Sharon could say that maybe change is a good thing. The bottle of Crimson Glow has never been opened, not since she bought it all those months ago. Sometimes she picks it up off her shelf, dusts it off, and wonders how she would look. She always puts it back down.

He could be shocked by her hair, bright above her pale skin and a black sweater. He could be unsure about whether or not he likes this change, but he'll always be able to spot her in a crowd – a glowing red beacon, drawing him to her.

She could be vivid with crimson hair. She could be memorable.

She could break up with her nondescript boyfriend; be single again. She could do it at the same time as Sharon, since Sharon's needs help to break up with Kyle. She, Sharon, Rayanne and Rickie could all hang out together, with Delia Fischer and Brian Krakow tagging along. They could all be friends. That would be nice.

Her parents could get divorced. Her dad could keep coming home later and later, and spend more time with his restaurant partner. Her mother could keep trying harder and harder, and maybe nothing would work because he might need something that her mom just couldn't give. Her mother is less trusting, she knows, and maybe has a right to be.

Her home life could be ruined. Her father could move out, her mother could stay up nights crying, and her sister could crawl into her bed because of bad dreams that became reality. She doesn't know how she could handle a situation like that. She could let things fall apart around her, let her mother wallow in her own misery, let her sister drift through the house in an aimless daze, but maybe she's a good enough person that it wouldn't happen like that. She's her own worse critic, and maybe she's judging herself too harshly. If she had to, she could be the rock - she could keep her family from self-destructing. She could keep ties with her father, so she wouldn't have to lose him.

It could happen.

She could have her friends to support her, after she finishes comforting them first. Rickie and Rayanne could – no, _would_ be devastated by a separation. They consider her family the epitome of real domestic bliss, and it could break their hearts to see that they were wrong. They'd help her, though; they have experience in matters like this. Rayanne and Sharon could help her with Danielle, and Rickie could help her around the house until her mother could pull herself back together. Her mother could break down, she knows, but she also knows that her mother could be built back up. It's just who her mother is.

Through it all, she could have him, the boy sitting across from her, engrossed in a gothic romance. They could be together, and when she needed to get away, he could come pick her up in his car. He wrote a song for it once and even let her hear it. It was surprisingly good.

Her friends could baby-sit; hold down the fort while she and he go out on their dates and her mother goes … somewhere. Rickie could keep Rayanne from setting the house on fire, and Sharon could keep everyone sane. If she was her family's rock, then he could be hers, and hold her hand during the bad times. She could lose herself in him, just for a little bit. Her world could crumble around her slowly, like a gingerbread house gone bad, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she had him.

Brian Krakow could help too, in his own Brian Krakow way. He could help Danielle with homework, and generally hang around the house. He could be a singular constant, one of the few really steady things in her life. Romances, divorces, family crises – throughout all of these, Krakow remains the same, and that could give her comfort. Krakow's a very comforting guy. Krakow could give her words and reassurances, while the boy she wants could give her – something else.

He looks up from his book, and the spell is broken. Once again she is in the classroom, sitting across from him at the desk, and not in the backseat of his car. There is no red hair, there is no divorce, and there is no wonderful group of friends. There is her, Rayanne and Rickie. There is her and Sharon. There is occasionally her, Sharon and Rayanne, and sometimes just Sharon and Rayanne. There's Rickie and Rayanne, and Rickie and Brian, but there'll never be a Brian and Rayanne. There is no divorce, but there is a partner in her father's restaurant, and that gives her chills.

There is no her and him.

He asks a question and she answers it, and goes back to correcting the spelling on his latest homework assignment. Life moves on.

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**Author's Note:** This is it. This is the end. This is the non-sequel non-ending that I've been tooting about for months. Non-sequel because the plot doesn't advance - nothing new happens, nothing changes. Non-ending because it's the end of this particular series, but not the story because, as I've said before, nothing changes. And I don't think that anything will change in this particular timeline. 


End file.
